I am doing life wrong...

I have come to find that I seem to be doing life wrong. I am 27.5 years old and have a whole lot of nothing to show for it. I should be married by now and have at least 2 kids at this point and a house. I a living in the boyfriend's mom's basement and I have 3 dogs and a cat. This isn't where I wanted to be.....

I think it really hit looking as my cousin Stephanie's wedding pictures. She looked so beautiful. I wasn't able to make it to the wedding, which I think makes me more sad. Growing up we were always so close, but now we are lifetimes apart. Also reading my other cousin Shalay's blog about her first baby being due in January. I had no idea she was even pregnant. I also found out her brother and his wife are expecting a baby too.

I can't figure out what is bothering me more. The fact that everyone is living life the way it should be or it's all happening and I didn't have any idea it was going on. I am thinking it's a strong combination of both.

I miss family. I miss the closeness we all had when we were younger and forced to spend every holiday and birthday together. I hate that we have grown up and grown apart.

2012 In a Nutshell

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We adopted a new dog named Haizee in June. I randomly came across her on the ksl classifieds. She's nuts, but overall a great addition to our family,

 

 

In October our friends Kyle and Amy were getting married in Las Vegas. So decided to make a trip out of it and stopped in Mesquite for a couple nights and Vegas a couple nights. Probably one of the best trips of the year.

 

In July we also had an impromptu trip to Miles City, Montana. My first trip to Montana and the longest weekend of my life. Travis had to go out there to fix a hotel's internet. We left around 8:00 on Friday night. We drove all night long, got to Miles City around 8:00am Saturday. Swam in their "natural oasis" aka a giant pond. Left around 7:00am Sunday. We drove through Yellowstone, but didn't get to enjoy it much because we were on a time crunch to get the rental car back on time. Crazy, but really fun weekend. We forgot the camera, so I don't really have any pictures of it, which is really sad.

 

 

Our family. (Missing Valory and Snickers the cat)

 



Friendship or Bust

Holly cow, Thanksgiving is next week!!! This year has just flown by and I have no idea why. I don't know if it's because "the world will end on 12/21/12 or if it's just been a year full of fun stuff. It's amazing what can happen in what... like 9 months since my last post.

In the last post it was about we fixing my friendship with one of my long time friends. Well, that didn't last long at all. It only got severly worse and as of right now, there is no friendship to speak of. I can't decide how I feel about it all. I want answers, but I don't want to speak to her. I fear that if we do speak it'll all get swept under the carpet, we'll think everything is just fine for a few weeks and then all of a sudden shit will hit the fan once again. I suppose I should fill you in on everything so that way you know where I am coming from.

I will make this short and as painless as possible....

Well, pretty much us being okay was really never the case. I didn't care enough about her relationship and wasn't supportive enough so I was demoted again to just a bridesmaid. After several emails back and forth it came down to it's all about her and her needs and who gives a rats ass about my feelings, but whatever. I thought maybe I was being selfish. The Wendover trip for her Bachelorette party was a very expensive waste of time. Our group was divided and it was us and them and they were pissed at us for the entire trip. The wedding came, which was suppose to take place in Vegas, but I was informed that it was canceled, but would take place the following weeked and her aunt's house.It was all a joke. And well that was the end of it. Not much hanging out or speaking since. Now here comes the really good part. Which it's something I should have seen coming and in the back of my mind I knew it had. A picture is posted on Facebook of the happy couple at what looks like a wedding setting. I asked if they got married again, no response. So I text her and ask and she responds, "We got married in Vegas." WTF???? I was so pissed off I couldn't respond. I still don't know what to say to her. I have a ton of questions and would like an explaination, but that would require confronting her. So it comes down to do I confront her and have everything either blow up or get swept under the carpet, or do I just blow it all off and move on with my life?

I am really stuggling with what to do. I guess in a way I am in total shock about it all. How you do flush 18+ years of friendship down the drain? Not to mention taking my other so called best friend with her. Ugh it's all so stupid and I don't know why I am dwelling on it all. I either need to confront her or move on. It's really not that difficult!

Well, after a few awkwards hang outs and what have you, we have come to terms on the "friend situation". After a few shots of booze later, it turns out she was upset because I had told her that she shouldn't have black as a wedding color. Also, she claims that she never declared B the MOH and was upset that people had told me that. But, she did ask me to be the MOH, which of course I accepted. So we are all good again on the friend front. I know how you were all so very concerned.

So, what else is going on on the home front? We adopted a "house boy". Well really he is one of Travis's friends that came into hard times due to a jerk-headed friend/roommate. He moved in with us the begining of January. For the most part it's great having him around, but as with living with anyone, there are trials.

I have a new hobby, if you can call it that. An awesome friend of my invited me to join her family's book club. We have had two meeting so far and I am really enjoying it. I need to get better at reading the books throughout the month rather than trying to cram it all in the last week. But it's been something to look forward to every month. March's book is The Hunger Games which is coming out with a movie at the end of March that we are going to see as a group. It's so much fun!

My appearance has been on my mind a lot lately. I really need to/want to lose weight. But, for whatever reason I just can't get the motivation do it. I know what I need to change and I what I need to do, but Lazy takes over. That evil whore! I really need to so something though. I hate what I have become. I hate what I look like. I hate that my boyfriend wishes I looked how I did when I was 16. I hate how clothes look on me. I need to fix, but the words are as far as I get. How do you get motivated? How do you redesign your whole life and shake all the bad habits you have accquired?  That's what I need to work and somehow some way I am going to make it happen.

What does "Best Friend" really mean?

Fair warning.... this is a really long post just about my bitching. =^)

In other news..... I have crappy friends. We some of them seem to suck more so than the others. We really, one to be specific has really upset me and it seems she has no idea that she did, which makes it like ten time worse.

This friend is getting married in July of this year. Aside from what some may think, I am extremely happy for her. I am so happy that she found someone that loves her they way she needs to loved and makes her happy. Now, where the issue comes in is how the relationship started and how fast it has moved. But at this point in time I have accepted this.

What makes her a crappy friend is the fact that we have been friends for about 18 years. Yes over those years we were constantly inseparable and we weren't the closest, but once we reconnected, you would have never known there was any time apart. Ever since she has started dating this guy, I never see her. When I do it's never just her, he is ALWAYS there. Which, whatever, I guess when you are couple you always want to be together if you can, I guess. That really isn't the point. What I am the most upset about is that me, her best friend, the one that has known her the longest, that knows all of her secrets, and almost everything about her... is not the Maid of Honor. Which again, okay whatever, it's your wedding you can chose whoever you want to be a part of it, but the least you can do is tell me. I really shouldn't have to hear it from all the other girls.

In October, I think, we went to a bridal show to get ideas for her wedding. I asked if she was having a wedding party and she said just me and another one of our friends. No specific titles were stated. So I assumed that she wasn't having a Maid of Honor. I assumed that we were both kind of filling the role. But you know what assuming does..... So, a few days before Christmas the girls got together for dinner to exchange gifts. She, of course, flaked out. While we were all talking one friend, J, mentioned that BFF had told her that B (the friend that went to the bridal show with us) was the Maid of Honor. This not only was a surprise to me, but is was to B as well. She had no idea that this is what BFF wanted. So since this dinner BFF and I have hung out a few times and she has yet to mention it. I think that makes me this most irritated is that she doesn't have the balls to tell me that I really don't mean that much to her.

Last Saturday we, BFF, B-MOH, J, and of course Hubs, had breakfast. We were suppose to go wedding dress shopping, but she decided to cancel at the last minute and just get breakfast instead. So while at breakfast, we were talking about the wedding. I, of course, have no idea what's going on because I haven't been included in the planning at all. Due to being left out completely of my best friends wedding plans, I was  a little upset. I was asked what was wrong and I really didn't want to get into it there so I said I was fine. After we left the restaurant, BFF had the guts to text me and ask if I was really okay. I responded with I've lost my best friend. Which she responded with, How? Really? You have to ask how? Hmmmmm maybe because I am not her MOH, maybe because I haven't been included in a damn thing with plans for the wedding, maybe because we NEVER talk anymore, maybe because we NEVER hang out anymore, maybe because she doesn't have the guts to be honest with me, this list could go on forever.

So now I have no idea what to do. Do I approach her and call her out or do I just let her come around? I kind of just want to say eff you have a nice life, but it's hard to just toss 18 years friendship out the window. I just don't know. This Friday the three of us (me, BFF, and B) are suppose to get dinner and "talk". I assume they are going to officially tell me that I am not MOH. I really really don't want to go. I don't want to waste anymore energy on all of this. I just want to put it behind me and move on. Ahhhhhh!!!!! I don't know............................

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. I will keep you posted on what happens. "As the world turns, these are the days of our lives...."

2012 Is Happening Now

Well, the new year has begun and I never achieved anything I had set out to do last year. I don't consider myself a failure, it just means that I need to try harder this year. Yes, I am going to the steriotypical goals this year; live healthier (a.k.a. lose weight), get my finances in order, and maybe get some schooling in. Blah blah blah you know the rest of how all this goes. I will try and be better at keeping things updated around here too.

Here Comes the Holidays

So I just typed this big long blah blah blah about how weird, yet great, it was this Thanksgiving without my family and a lot more blah blah blah about all the issues that are going between us. I deleted it. Why did I delete you ask? Well.... because it's not worth it.

I made a little turkey dinner here at home. We had Valory for the day so we went to the movies, made dinner, and played Monopoly on the Wii. It was a lot of fun and very relaxing change. I am excited to see what Christmas will bring. I have a ton of shopping to do still, but I have made a decent dent.

Things have been pretty good lately. I was able to buy a new car after the Sentra died. It has been a lot of fun! Money is really tight and stressful, but things are working out. I got a new position at work in the HR department, which came with an okay raise. It's been rough learning all new things and giving up the things I have been doing for the past four year. But all in all it will be great once I will get the hang of it all. This was a pretty lame update. I will try and do better next time.

Thanks for reading! =-)