Love........the word is so strong. How does one know what it means? I have found that he is all I think about. Does that mean I am really in loved or am I just settling for what I think is all I can get. Where do you find the line? How do you really know what is what? Do you follow what you heart says or what your mind says? There are so many answers needed, but where do the answers come from? I love him, I have to love him....why else would I be where I am and doing what I do. Why does love have to be so complicated? Why does he love me? Does he really love me? He would have to because I am here.
Small bits of doubt and the ones that eat away at what could be a wonderful and amazing relationship. But, no matter how hard you try you can't keep those thoughts from running through your mind. I have been here before, I have had these feelings before. One time the thoughts became a reality. He didn't want me. He jumped into it and then got scared, opened his eyes and looked for fun other places. The next time, it was pity I think. He was a good guy. I was blind and thought this has to be as good as I can get, but I was miserable. He didn't make me happy. Then the last one.....wow he was something. He did everything right. He was everything I had ever wanted. He had to the ONE, my dream guy. There were a few flaws, but we would get through them. He was married, my defence he was separated long before we got involved. In the beginning I told myself how stupid I was for getting involved. I knew he would break my heart and rip me apart. But I didn't listen. I convinced myself it would end different. He loved me! He had to love me or why else would he go through all he did just to be with me? Well, that answer I don't have, but what I do know is I was right from the beginning. The time we share was beyond amazing. But soon enough it ended. He said, "I want to go home." And that was that. I was shattered and humiliated. I felt so stupid for not listening to what I had been telling myself all along. I like to justify it as he taught me how a man should treat a woman. He showed me happiness and love. I showed him whatever he needed to see that he should go home, be with his kids and make his family work.
So here I am today. What I am doing? I was watching a movie and heard a quote, "Don't listen to how your heart feels, listen to what it's saying." So, that leaves me with is my heart telling me that I am happy and this is where I should be? Or is it feeling twitterpaited? I go through these struggles constantly. How do I know what is really what? How does anyone know?
I love him. I know I do. I know he loves to me. I can feel it. I feel it when he looks at me, when he tells me how beautiful I am when I just rolled out of bed after a long night, when he thanks me for doing the laundry or making him dinner. When I look into his eyes I can see into his mind, heart, and soul, they tell me I love you.
What happens from here? Well, I have no idea. Right now I am happy and will continue to be happy. I am a strong woman that can overcome any obstacle. But I am only human and can only take it one at a time. One day at a time. Whatever happens will happen whether I let it or not. I will just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Life happens with or without you. It's your choice what you do with it and what you take of it.
Someday everything will all make sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason.
